


Second Best

by squidmemesinc



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Also copious amounts of manpain, Gaying, M/M, Other Karasuno team members, Panic attacks (maybe), There is sex but not really porn, Underage Drinking, emetophobia warning, side kagehina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 10:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3485564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidmemesinc/pseuds/squidmemesinc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe the best way to get over Tsukki is to dive headfirst into someone else. But that’s not his only motivation. He genuinely likes Oikawa, too. Given a little time, he might like him as much as Tsukki. You can love more than one person, after all. This, in all likelihood, would just be speeding along the inevitable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Best

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DaystoDawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaystoDawn/gifts).



> Oh boy.
> 
> This is for Daze (as always, it seems) and her OiYama thirst. It’s also fulfilling a double purpose because I’ve been having strong IwaOi feelings for a while now and I wanted to be one of those Cool Kids who writes a 16k+ fic about them. On that note, I need to solidly nod to ‘Shiver’ for some stuff I HCd the crap out of and also ‘to be first, to be best’ for the idea of Iwaizumi and Oikawa going to alien movie premieres.
> 
> Anyway, it is PRIMARILY OiYama. Well. Kind of. You’ll have to see. My tags are a mystery, I hope, and I want to keep them that way.
> 
> Also: I feel the need to explain and apologize for Oikawa’s massive dong. It was because of some twitter shenanigans. I tried to find the tweets but they were too far back. Basically, some of the figures are fuckin’ hung.
> 
> I do not feel the need to apologize for ponytail Yamaguchi. Accept him. Love him. For he is kind, and good.
> 
> EDIT: HEY GUESS WHAT, FIVE MONTHS LATER I FINALLY EDITED IT. I can't believe I hecked this up and posted it the day before that one chapter came out and I characterized Oikawa like...not right. But anyway I hope someone?? Will read this again, or for the first time.

**Yamaguchi Tadashi**

**XXX**

Tadashi isn’t really sure how he became friends with Oikawa Tooru.

It started three months ago, at the beginning of Tadashi’s first semester of university. At the first opportunity, he went to the volleyball team’s tryouts, and Oikawa had been there. He had been surprised, but then when he thought about it more, he probably shouldn’t have been. The school he chose (they both chose, apparently) ranked in the top five volleyball programs in the country. Well, it was number five. The other ones were all a bit harder to get into than Tadashi was capable of.

Not that Tadashi was going to college for volleyball. His parents would never allow it, and he didn’t have any incorrect notions about his own skills. He had improved exponentially in high school, thanks to Shimada, Ukai, even just playing alongside Kageyama and Tsukki and all the others. Tadashi’s jump float serve had been all but perfected (but of course, as with everything, there is always room for improvement), and was now a reliable and formidable weapon. When they had done awards as the third years were graduating, he had won Most Improved. Takeda-sensei had gotten them printed out nice, and it was still just a piece of paper, but everyone had written little messages on it and it was actually very precious to him. It was hanging on the wall of his dorm.

But anyway, Oikawa. He was at his college. And at volleyball tryouts. And he had recognized Tadashi.

“Hey, aren’t you that kid from Karasuno? The pinch server?” he asked. There was an unreadable glint in his eyes; no doubt he remembered the second game they had played, where Tadashi had helped his team defeat Oikawa and Aoba Jousai.

Of course, Oikawa only knew him as the pinch server. He had played more his second year and been a regular in his third year. “Y-Yes,” he replied.

“Hm, you didn’t have the ponytail in high school. What’s your name?”

“Yamaguchi Tadashi…”

Oikawa smiled, a big, bright smile that looked 50% fake, 40% genuine, and 10% devious. Maybe those percentages were a little off, but it didn’t last long enough for him to reevaluate it. “Make sure you get on the team. I bet that serve of yours is killer now, right, Yama-chan?”

And he did. Tadashi had been nervous (maybe it had something to do with Oikawa, or their school being the fifth best in the nation, or the fact that half the boys trying out were taller than him, even though he was pretty tall) and he had blundered a couple of receives, failed some moderately difficult but not unblockable blocks. He hadn’t been monitoring the other boys’ performance exactly, but he felt there was at least one person who didn’t get in who had slightly outperformed him in those areas.

But he had done some pretty killer spikes, and of course his serves all went untouched by the established team members who were trying to receive them. Oikawa had clapped, and rest of them looked stunned. So there was that.

He was on the college volleyball team. Oikawa fawned over his serves in practices too, which was nice, and offered to teach him what he knew, which was also nice. He knew that Kageyama never got that privilege, so he actually felt quite honored, and said he’d do his best to return the favor. Which Oikawa seemed to like, and almost to expect.

Their private serving sessions turned into ice cream, coffee, lunch, dinner, alien-themed B movies in Oikawa’s apartment. Sometimes, Iwaizumi came too. Usually for the movies, since he was Oikawa’s roommate. Belatedly, in high school, Kageyama had pointed out his and Oikawa’s friendship (nearly since birth), though Tadashi couldn’t match Kageyama’s vague description of him to his own admittedly dim memory of any of the players he’d seen on the court. Kageyama wasn’t really good at picking up on details that didn’t relate to volleyball, apparently including what people looked like. Even if he had played on the same team as him for an entire year. His summary of Iwaizumi had been “Um, black hair. Kind of spiky.” Which Tadashi was pretty sure had applied to several other people as well.

Tadashi likes Iwaizumi. He reigns in Oikawa’s competitiveness, his snark, his occasional mean-spiritedness. None of this is ever directed at him, which Iwaizumi tells him is mostly because they’re now on the same side of the net, and frankly that’s about all that Oikawa cares about. But Tadashi feels himself somewhat less compatible with Iwaizumi than with Oikawa. Iwaizumi is always (always) polite to him, but seems to maintain a bit of a distance. Maybe he thinks Tadashi doesn’t notice, but he does. He just doesn’t mind.

Tadashi’s only ever needed one friend—one person to devote everything to. It used to be Tsukki, and now it’s Oikawa. Oikawa is different in many ways. His confrontations are far less blunt (or maybe they aren’t, but he disguises them with smiles), and he is much more charismatic. When Tadashi gets over his shyness around Oikawa, he’s more receptive to conversing, seems compelled by Tadashi’s excitable nature. Tadashi’s unabashed adoration and praise is appreciated as well. Oikawa is good at being popular, but he also needs the attention. Tsukki more or less tolerated it.

He misses Tsukki terribly. He misses him in ways Tsukki will never know, because Tsukki was his first friend and best friend and Tadashi’s more than a little sentimental. He doesn’t think he could survive severing that connection, weakened though it is with them being a hundred kilometers apart, even if there’s a chance… Well, never mind. He’s never liked to take risks, and this is a big one, upon which it feels like his whole life hinges.

It’s near the end of his first semester. He, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi are walking to practice, and Oikawa is talking about a girl he went on a date with last weekend.

“Why do you date them if you don’t even like them?” Iwaizumi interrupts as Oikawa’s describing the cake they shared.

“Iwa-chan, Iwa-chan. Because I can, of course. And it’s fun. Only you have sentimental notions about meeting the perfect girl and staying with her forever. I’m a free spirit.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Anyway, yesterday she texted me and I had to tell her ‘Sorry, but I just don’t think we have the right chemistry.’ She didn’t text back. I think she’s mad.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t even give a reply. Tadashi thinks this kind of conversation bores him, because after a while he always seems to tune out. As for Tadashi, he doesn’t feel like he has any kind of place to talk to this since he is…well, really quite gay. And gay for one particular boy, no less.

“You know, though, I think you would get along with her really well, Yama-chan! Want me to set you up? She’s probably looking for someone on the rebound.”

Tadashi snaps his head up to look at Oikawa, feeling a very slight tinge of panic. “No, that’s okay, Oikawa-san, please don’t trouble yourself.”

“It’s no trouble at all! _I_ would be happy to make _you_ happy. I am always looking out for the best interests of my dear friends.” He throws his arm around Tadashi, who wishes he could escape.

Iwaizumi snorts in derision.

“Hey, I have offered _many_ times, but you always say no. And you usually punch me.”—Whipping between Iwaizumi and Tadashi—“He’s very rude, Yama-chan.”

“I’m not interested in dating,” Iwaizumi supplies, sounding stiff.

Tadashi nods, privately hoping they’ll steer the conversation back to Iwaizumi’s love life and away from his own. It doesn’t count as throwing Iwaizumi under the bus if he doesn’t actually say anything.

Unfortunately, Oikawa’s attention snaps back. “I’m sure Yama-chan doesn’t share your prude-ish notions. Right?”

“Well, uh.”

Oikawa is still looking at him, smiling his usual smile, which Tadashi has updated his percentages for. It’s always (always) at least 30% devious. He had originally overestimated the sincere component. “Oh, please. I’ve seen you blush when my fans come up to me. Of course you’re interested. Tell me who and I’ll work it out.”

For half a second, Tadashi tries to recall blushing. Girls are cute, but he doesn’t want to date them. “It’s really no one, honestly!”

“If you’re worried about stealing someone away from me, don’t be. I don’t have my heart set on anyone. So you can take your pick. If I vouch for you, they’ll at least go on one date with you. Have you ever been on a date before? I can help you! I’m a pro.”

Iwaizumi sighs and tells Oikawa he has a terrible personality. Maybe he’s as uninvested in this conversation as Tadashi is. No, actually, that’s not possible. Because Tadashi’s more than uninvested; he’s averse.

Tadashi, meanwhile, debates. There’s a quick way to end this conversation, and it doesn’t necessarily involve a full reveal, but he’s also never told anyone he’s gay before. The only person he could conceivably trust with the information is Tsukki, but that wouldn’t actually work for one glaringly obvious reason. So now there’s Oikawa, who he’s only known a few months, and Iwaizumi, by proxy (and proximity).

He ends up chickening out, opting instead to just uncomfortably fend off Oikawa’s persistent offers for the rest of the way to practice.

And at practice.

And after practice.

Oikawa is still talking about it in the locker room as Tadashi hurriedly changes (looking through his contacts and giving his guess for how interested they’d be in tall-ish, freckly boys with short ponytails who take a while to warm up to people; Tadashi might be a bit irritated by being reduced to these four aspects if they weren’t pretty spot on). He ends up inventing a visit to the health center (he thinks he jumped funny on his knee during practice, better safe than sorry) and telling Oikawa he should walk back without him. Iwaizumi drags him along, and he’s sorry he mentally considered throwing him under the bus earlier, even though it didn’t work.

But Oikawa still texts him. He sends him numbers, pictures, personality descriptions. Tadashi isn’t sure how much more of this he can take. He plans to confess his secret for a whole hour and a half before he actually manages it (surprised the whole time that Oikawa _still_ hasn’t run out of girls; how many girls even go to their school?). He’s shaking from anxiety, has to keep reminding himself that Oikawa’s never said anything homophobic, has never used any slurs. He tries to suppress the thought that if Oikawa is repulsed by him, he’ll be out of an anchor and might even have to leave the volleyball team. That probably won’t happen, he keeps reminding himself, half-heartedly.

The reply comes two minutes later, an agonizing intermission from the previously unceasing barrage.

‘ _Sorry Yama-chan, but I’m afraid I don’t feel the same_ _｡：ﾟ_ _(_ _｡ﾉ_ _ω_ _＼｡_ _)_ _ﾟ･｡_ ’

He… Did he assume…? He assumed Tadashi had been talking about him. All his text had said was ‘ _I already like someone. A male someone._ ’  Tadashi reads the two texts, his and Oikawa’s, again and again. He should probably…clarify.

**Oikawa Tooru**

**X**

Tooru’s phone is a little warm from sending so many texts in such a short period of time. He sets it down and flops onto his bed.

Yamaguchi is cute. No one would deny that. More than cute, the kid’s good-looking. Tooru has found himself trying to count the adorable freckles that dot his nose and cheeks a few times. They seem to multiply or divide by themselves according to the weather, Yamaguchi’s mood, the position of the stars. The ponytail is...a more mature form of attractive, if he’s being honest with himself. He doesn’t usually like long hair on guys, but Yamaguchi can pull it off.

Tooru fondly remembers that they spent an afternoon in his apartment last week trying to get that stubborn strand of hair that never lies flat to submit to Tooru’s generous application of hairspray and gel. It didn’t work, Yamaguchi had insisted it wouldn’t from the onset, but he had let Tooru try anyway.

When they gave up, it had devolved into Tooru stealing one of Yamaguchi’s hair ties and trying to make world’s the tiniest ponytail out of his own hair. Yamaguchi had laughed and said it suited him.

He watches alien movies with Tooru and actually seems to like them. He gets enthusiastic, and doesn’t get scared at the fun parts like Iwa-chan does. (Actually, Tooru likes poking fun at Iwaizumi when he gets freaked out, but enthusiasm is nice too). He’s nowhere near as obsessed as Tooru is, but he hopes maybe he can change that.

But there are other things too. More than just shared hobbies and whatever cute little quirks he has. He’s genuinely very earnest, and he works hard—at volleyball, at school—even at friendship. He took a bit to warm up to Tooru, but he stayed warm. He smiles and laughs at his jokes, offers sincere compliments (and criticisms, when asked, and when he has them to give). He seems to pick up Iwa-chan’s nature of worrying about Tooru when he spends surplus hours in the gym, which Tooru brushes off, and Yamaguchi doesn’t yet know him well enough to insist, but he can see him wanting to. Maybe Tooru acts like it’s a bit of a pain, but somewhere inside him, in a place he won’t acknowledge, he’s always appreciated Iwaizumi looking out for him, since he can’t seem to make himself do it, so Yamaguchi itching to do the same thing is a good sign, probably.

It takes Tooru a couple more minutes to realize he’s been doing nothing since that text but thinking about how much he likes Yamaguchi.

When he does, the thought drifts into his head: _Why not date him?_

There’s the whole Iwa-chan thing, but that’s beside the point. That thing is out of the picture as of a few years ago, and that’s all there is to it.

 _Dating_ Yamaguchi.

He feels like he should bring himself to frown at this, but he finds he still just stares at the ceiling, blank-faced, and thinking.

It would be more accurate to say he’s been thinking about Yamaguchi all day. For most of it, he was thinking about setting him up with one of his fans, but he never was actually picturing him with any of them. He was just thinking of Yamaguchi, smiling, spiking his tosses, calling out to him from across campus, sharing his fries (he likes the soggy ones, for whatever reason).

Tooru does frown this time, but it’s at himself.

He picks up his phone again.

**Yamaguchi Tadashi**

**X**

Tadashi can’t believe what he’s reading. It looks like Oikawa’s asking him out. It looks like it, but it can’t be.

‘ _Actually Yama-chan… Well I hope you don’t think I’m silly for seeming to change my mind but I thought about it some more and I do really like you!!!_ _*(*´_ _∀_ _｀_ _*)_ _☆_ _So I think we should go out!!!_ _(((o(*_ _ﾟ_ _▽_ _ﾟ_ _*)o)))_ ’

Tadashi finds himself wondering a couple of things. One, is Oikawa gay? Bi? Either way, the evidence presented seems to imply he’s at least partially into men, or if not, then Tadashi. Two, what changed in the minutes he was spending trying to best think of how to explain to Oikawa that his crush was not…Oikawa? Three, why is he now considering saying yes?

He really likes Oikawa. Oikawa, being present and available, has essentially replaced one of Tsukki’s functions (the other being Pining Subject). He is Tadashi’s closest present friend. He’s very different from Tsukki, being (at least outwardly) bubbly and talkative, where Tsukki was not. He accepts compliments and praise, is always enthusiastic to hang out, and is just generally nice and easy to get along with. His energy is compatible with Tadashi’s own.

And he is very attractive. He has all those fans for a reason (if skill or personality were enough, there would be other very popular volleyball players, but as it is, none that Tadashi’s ever met has matched Oikawa’s fanbase).

Put more simply, Tadashi gets attached so easily, and Oikawa is an easy kind of person to get attached to. He thrives on it, even. Images start to pass through his mind as he considers what it would be like to date him. Holding his lovely, slender setter’s hands, casually brushing his bangs away from his face, curling up with him on his couch and watching a movie. Kissing him.

His face gets a little warm.

Maybe the best way to get over Tsukki is to dive headfirst into someone else. But that’s not his only motivation. He genuinely likes Oikawa, too. Given a little time, he might like him as much as Tsukki. You can love more than one person, after all. This, in all likelihood, would just be speeding along the inevitable.

**XXX**

They start to date. Tadashi goes on a real, actual date with a real, actual boy that he really, actually _likes_. Somehow, Oikawa manages to be even more charming when all his attention is focused on Tadashi, but Tadashi doesn’t get the feeling he’s being treated the same way that Oikawa treats the girls he dates. It feels more genuine. He seems excited, and the excitement is contagious.

Oikawa is quick to step up the physical contact. Before, they had usually been with Iwaizumi, and Oikawa was often clinging to him. They were close, so Tadashi understood (and also he figured Oikawa probably wanted to razz Iwaizumi a little, since Iwaizumi is quite a bit less bubbly, but it was the nature of their friendship). But now, Oikawa frequently bumps into his shoulder, grabs his hand or his arm, nudges his foot under the table.

He goes pleasantly warm at any kind of brush or touch. Oikawa’s skin is generally smooth, but rougher around his fingers and palms, as frequently happens with volleyball players. But Tadashi’s are the same, so he doesn’t mind. Sometimes it even adds to the sensation—a tickle as Oikawa’s fingertips brush across his cheek.

Tadashi reciprocates. Oikawa likes having fingers in his hair, and when they sit and watch whatever Real! Alien! Footage!-type show Oikawa’s currently hooked on, he lays on the couch with his head in Tadashi’s lap and Tadashi’s fingers playing with the soft strands. Oikawa sometimes falls asleep, so Tadashi has to watch episodes twice, which is fine, because he sometimes isn’t paying attention anyway, busy thinking about how lucky he is.

There is a…it’s not a downside, exactly. Or maybe it is. Tadashi’s not clear on it at this point.

Basically, it wouldn’t be possible to keep their relationship a secret from Iwaizumi, and even if it were, Oikawa would want to tell him. Tadashi thinks about it, and he doesn’t even think he’d feel right trying to hide it from Oikawa’s best friend. If Tsukki was dating someone, Tadashi would want to know about it. Oikawa insists that he won’t react badly, so they tell him, and he doesn’t.

But whenever they’re together in Oikawa’s apartment, Iwaizumi stays in his room, only coming out to get food or use the bathroom, never interrupting them for anything unless Oikawa ropes him in to a conversation.

And Tadashi feels…slightly guilty. He feels like he’s stolen someone’s best friend. But Iwaizumi still sees Oikawa at practice, and of course he’s always in the apartment, even when Tadashi’s not, so it’s not as if they don’t still see each other.

He wonders if maybe Iwaizumi is glad to have a little more time to himself, and he hopes he is, because otherwise he’d feel bad. He considers asking, but somehow Oikawa figures out something’s on his mind first, and when Tadashi tells him, he seems unconcerned.

“Iwa-chan’s fine. He never appreciated my love anyway. He’s just a grumpy old man.”

Tadashi observes Iwaizumi. He does _seem_ fine.

He decides to stop worrying.

**X**

After two weeks, they’ve been on ten dates (Oikawa is very enthusiastic), and there is still something Tadashi hasn’t done. He hasn’t told Tsukki.

He tries to convince himself that he hasn’t been avoiding it, but it doesn’t work, because he has. Even if he’s dating Oikawa, he’s still known Tsukki longer, and values his opinion more than anyone else’s. Tsukki’s never said anything that would make him think he would be repulsed, but Tadashi still feels like it’ll be different that he’s gay than if it were just a stranger. There could be questions. Questions like “Have you ever liked me?” Tadashi doesn’t know how he could answer that.

He avoids the idea of it for a few more days, but then the topic is broached for him.

_‘You seem happier recently.’_

He stares. Tsukki had somehow picked up on it.

Tadashi replies, ‘ _Oh? Yeah, I guess I am.’_

If he leaves it at that, Tsukki will probably drop it. But he’s avoided it for long enough. ‘ _Actually, I’m…dating someone._ ’

He doesn’t turn back to his homework as he waits for a reply, watching the screen of his phone intently.

‘ _Is it Oikawa?_ ’

How. _How???!_

Tadashi’s eyes feel like they’re straining from how hard he’s looking at the text. ‘ _How did you know?!’_

‘ _He’s all you talk about these days._ ’

Tadashi’s replying slower than usual, taking in the meaning of these texts fully and completely before moving on.

Tsukki sends another before he’s through with the previous one: ‘ _Unless you meant how did I know you were gay? Not that long I guess.’_

Tadashi decides this is a vein it’s best not to press.

‘ _Oh. Well I guess that makes it easier then.’_

‘ _Congratulations by the way.’_

Tadashi’s chest feels warm and heavy.

‘ _Thanks Tsukki. I really like him.’_

He does really like him.

**XXX**

Oikawa likes making out. Which is fine, because Tadashi does too. He likes it a lot. He likes the feel of Oikawa’s hands in his hair, on his hips, occasionally on his ass, though sometimes he jumps when Oikawa suddenly grabs it. He likes Oikawa’s tongue, his soft lips, the little noises he makes when they kiss (influencing Tadashi to make noises of his own, even though he’s a little embarrassed at first).

He does his best to be good at kissing, but before Oikawa, he never had, so really he’s just trying to learn as he goes. He also Googles things, watches videos with his headphones on and his computer turned away from his roommate.

They spend a lot of time in Oikawa’s apartment, in Oikawa’s room, on Oikawa’s bed, with their tongues in each other’s mouths. Tadashi worries about Iwaizumi, and every time Oikawa tells him not to, he’s fine, he’s a whole room away and he doesn’t care anyway. He’s used to Oikawa’s girls, so Tadashi is no different, it seems. Tadashi worries, but not too much, because it’s not as if they’re doing anything ridiculously scandalous.

And then…

It turns out Oikawa also likes sex. Tadashi kind of falls messily into it.

As usual, they’re on his bed, making out. They both get hard from it more often than not, but usually they just stop and ignore it (aside from that one time, with the grinding…; that was nice, but the walk home in those pants, not so much). Tadashi thinks maybe Oikawa is trying not to pressure him, which he appreciates, probably. But also, he gets _so hard_ , and Oikawa is so pretty, and he is almost 18 now so it’s not as if he’s too young. But he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything.

Oikawa is braver than he is.

(This was never a surprise).

“Yama-chan,” Oikawa whispers breathlessly to his neck (to his hickies, probably), “I want...” There’s the sound of him licking his lips. “I want…” Instead of saying what he wants, he moves his hand between them and grips Tadashi’s cock through his pants, making him jump and strain slightly against the touch. With a much more solid, confident tone, he finishes, “ _This._ ” He licks Tadashi’s neck right under his ear, doesn’t relinquish his hold. Tadashi feels like he’s melting. He’ll die before he even gets to have sex.

He doesn’t die.

Somehow, he loses his pants, and Oikawa loses his shirt, and is in the process of losing his pants, and then they’re gone, chucked to the floor, and _whoa_. Oikawa climbs over him, hovering on his knees, fully erect and… Tadashi feels: 1) Awed, because…wow. 2) A bit envious. Who wouldn’t be? 3) Hungry. He also wants _that_. He’s not even sure it wouldn’t break him in half, but he’d be happy to go down trying.

Oikawa has other plans. At some point, he’d picked up lube from somewhere, and is putting on a loud ( _Iwaizumi_ , Tadashi thinks, and then he’s distracted again before he can tell Oikawa to be quieter) and graphic show for him. It’s like watching porn (Oikawa could easily be a porn star, he realizes), basically, except he gets to participate, so it’s better.

Loads better. When Oikawa finally sinks down over his cock, he practically comes right there, but there are fingers tight around his base and he’s seeing stars as Oikawa chides, wagging a finger on his other hand, “Ah, ah. You have to hold out for a little while, Yama-chan.”

And it happens _four more times_ because somehow Oikawa can tell every time he’s about to come, and each time Tadashi lets out a strangled kind of wail and Oikawa just laughs. He has so much more stamina. He even says at one point that they’re going to have to work on that, but Tadashi just chokes out another groan, desperately hard and willing to give up any of his limbs, his physical possessions just to _come_.

Oikawa lets him, at last, when he’s close enough that he can get himself off in a few quick strokes as Tadashi sweats out his feeling of _extreme physical relief_. He curls up into Tadashi’s shoulder and seems to fall asleep, but then Tadashi starts worrying.

Oikawa is definitely going to break up with him. If he had to stop him from coming five times just so he could get off…because Tadashi couldn’t handle getting him off? But Oikawa didn’t even give him a chance to try. He has to convince him to give him another chance.

He doesn’t sleep. He suddenly realizes how loud they were—how loud Oikawa was. Iwaizumi probably…the walls in this apartment could be thicker. This is really going to be the end of him. If not because Oikawa breaks up with him, then because of the tension he’ll have to face with Iwaizumi at practice.

Tadashi writes a note to Oikawa that he had to get home and do homework, punctuated with a ‘Sorry.’ at the end which he feels guilty about writing but would feel worse about crossing out, drapes a blanket over Oikawa in case Iwaizumi comes in for some reason, and tiptoes out of the apartment, thankful that he doesn’t find Iwaizumi in the living room or the kitchen.

He expects a text for a full 15 hours reading something along the lines of ‘So, we need to talk’ or even ‘Yama-chan, sorry, but it isn’t working out.’

No such text comes.

Instead he gets a request that they get smoothies after practice, and the worst of it is ‘ _You’re paying_ _(°_ _∀_ _°)b_ ’

So he buys Oikawa a smoothie, and the he apologizes again.

“For what?”

“F-For…you had to…” Tadashi’s voice drops to a whisper; he doesn’t look at Oikawa. “F-Five times…”

Oikawa sips his smoothie, arms crossed around it on the table they’re at, looking pensive, as if he doesn’t remember. Then his eyes go wide. “Ohhh!” His straw is still between his lips, and despite his anxiety, Tadashi can’t stop looking at them. “Don’t worry about that, silly. I know you’re a virgin. Well, were.”

Tadashi’s face goes red, partially because Oikawa said it pretty loudly in a public place. But Oikawa bumps his knee under the table.

“You’re pretty cute, Yama-chan. I’m not going to let you go just yet.”

Tadashi’s red for a different reason now.

Somehow, after smoothies, they end up on Oikawa’s bed again.

**X**

After a few more times, Tadashi is emboldened.

“Oikawa-san. I want to…” he blinks, hovering over Oikawa, doing his best to look him in the eyes, “I want to try…” He swallows, steeling himself. “I want you to top.” He swallows again, not that it does any good because his mouth is so dry, wondering if maybe Oikawa will say _no_ , because maybe there’s a reason he hasn’t until now. It seems like a waste, in Tadashi’s opinion.

Oikawa’s eyes narrow, his eyebrows lift, and his smile quirks to the side. He tilts his head, looking up at Tadashi’s nervous face with his own exuding confidence and charm. “Oh? Are you sure?” His fingers go up to flick at Tadashi’s ponytail. It usually comes undone in the middle of their activities.

Tadashi nods furiously, biting his lip. Thinking about it is making him even harder.

“Well, who am I to deny you if you’re so enthusiastic? On your hands and knees then, Yama-chan.”

Oikawa spends a long time fingering him, his long fingers prodding mercilessly at Tadashi’s prostate as his dick rubs against the outside of his thigh and he whispers in his ear. He’s gentle as he slides his length into him, though, and Tadashi _shakes_ because it’s as much as he was expecting and that’s a tiny bit bad but mostly good. It doesn’t even take any thrusting for him to be pressing _right up against that spot_ , and when he does move, it’s not Oikawa he has to worry about Iwaizumi hearing. (Well, maybe it is, but for once, he’s louder.)

And, well… In terms of stamina, he’s back to square one. It turns out there are different kinds. He gets blue-balled another four times. (But when he is finally allowed to come, he thinks he can’t even see for a good ten seconds.)

**X**

With how often they have sex, and with Oikawa being as much of a tease as he is, Tadashi builds up stamina.

All different kinds.

**X**

Around Christmas, the volleyball team does a Secret Santa. Oikawa (through bribery, Tadashi suspects), gets Iwaizumi, and he buys him some very expensive noise-cancelling headphones. Oikawa is laughing until Iwaizumi punches him in the gut. Everyone is either trying to hold Iwaizumi back, or hovering over the coughing Oikawa, so they don’t notice Tadashi being bright red, and they don’t think to question why Iwaizumi got so mad over headphones.

**Iwaizumi Hajime**

**XXX**

Hajime is…

In Hell.

Hell with a capital fucking H and a period at the end.

…It’s not Yamaguchi’s _fault_. Hajime really does like Yamaguchi. He’s a sweet kid and he’s glad Oikawa seems to have made a friend besides him that he actually seems to trust…a bit. He’s not at the same status as Hajime, but he’s definitely earned a place in Oikawa’s heart. Their bond seems to get stronger and stronger as time goes on. That’s good, for sure.

He’s also earned a place in Oikawa’s _bed_.

He wouldn’t mind all that much if he wasn’t fully aware of every single time they decided to fuck. Thin walls are probably one of the reasons this apartment is cheaper than others this far from campus. Originally, he didn’t think it would be a problem, since last year when he lived with Oikawa, he didn’t bring girls home very often. But he also dated girls who were _his_ _age_ (simply because he had so many to choose from, he figured he’d have to limit them somehow, as he’d told Hajime one day, regardless of Hajime not asking), and thus had their own apartments, and Yamaguchi still lives on campus and shares one room with another boy.

He comes over almost every day, and the fucking happens almost as often. They’re both loud. He probably always knew Oikawa would be loud during sex, because that’s just the kind of personality he has. Sex is probably just another competition for him, and the way he wins is by having the most fun, or at least, appearing to. It makes sense, if you know anything about Oikawa.

Yamaguchi, when Hajime first met him, didn’t seem the type. But it turns out that he is. Especially when he bottoms (why, dear god, _why_ can Hajime tell whenever that is?), which is about half the time, and this says things about Oikawa that he feels like he could have gone his whole life without knowing. Still, it seems like they’re both pretty versatile, which is good for them, he guesses.

Hajime endures it, though. He starts spending less time at home, choosing to do his homework in the library or at a friend’s house when he thinks they might be planning to mess around. Oikawa complains once that’s he’s never around anymore, since usually Yamaguchi leaves before he comes back and Oikawa doesn’t like to be alone (without someone to torture, in one way or another). He just fixes him with a dull stare before launching into a red-faced rant about all the _sounds_ that come from Oikawa’s room. At the end of it, Oikawa just cracks a faux-embarrassed smile and says “Oh, geez, I had no idea!” Hajime storms off to his room.

Oikawa must think he’s genuinely mad after that, because later at night he creeps in after Hajime’s gotten into bed. He either woke up or wasn’t quite asleep, because he’s fully aware of Oikawa slipping under the covers with him and wrapping an arm around his waist like he’s _always_ done, ever since the first time they shared a bed in elementary school.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

Hajime sighs, thinks carefully about what he wants to say. “It’s not like you’re not…allowed. You live here too. I’d just appreciate a little restraint. Or you could give me some _warning_.”

He feels Oikawa nod against his back. “I really like him.”

There’s more to it than just that. The words Oikawa said to him at the end of high school: “ _Iwa-chan, I’m in love with you. Have been for as long as I can remember._ ” He hadn’t been able to respond, but Oikawa hadn’t expected him to. And then he hid from Hajime for that entire summer, only to greet him as naturally as ever when they moved into their on-campus dorm freshman year. And then everything was the same as it always had been, so Hajime had thought, _Maybe I can live like this. Maybe I can live with my best friend being in love with me._ He never manages to set any boundaries, because he worries that things are teetering on the edge of a precipice, and he’s terrified of pushing them over. So Oikawa still climbs into his bed, sleeps the whole night with him, and Hajime is sure his boyfriend doesn’t know.

So when he says that he likes Yamaguchi, what Hajime wants to hear beneath that is _I’ve gotten over you_. What he hears instead is _I’m still trying to get over you._ He’s throwing himself headfirst into this first year, who’s never even been on a date, let alone in a relationship, and has no idea that Oikawa may very well destroy him. And Hajime is angry that Oikawa can be so selfish, but he’s angrier at himself for not being able to save both Oikawa and Yamaguchi by reciprocating Oikawa’s feelings. If only he could, none of this would have ever started.

He feels like he’s waiting for the ball to drop. He doesn’t know exactly what will happen when it does, but he knows he’ll have to be there to pick up the pieces. And he worries that with the way things are between him and Oikawa, he could just end up breaking him further.

Basically, he worries that this relationship could be the end for all three of them.

Yamaguchi is smart. Hajime thinks maybe there’s part of him that knows Oikawa can’t be fully invested in him the way he is in Oikawa. He thinks Oikawa appreciates Yamaguchi’s honesty, but he’s noticed that Oikawa rarely ever returns that honesty. He smiles a lot, as he’s done for countless girls. Yamaguchi is different, of course. He’s not just a game or something to do. Sometimes, the smiles are real, but frequently they aren’t. Yamaguchi’s perceptive, but Hajime’s not sure he can quite pick out all the fake ones yet.

Hajime suspects Oikawa thinks if someone can’t read him, they don’t need to. Which is why he is as close to Hajime as he is. He can read through all his bullshit, can help him when he’s too afraid to ask for it, because Hajime knows when he needs it.

Thinking all of this makes Hajime feel like a cynic and a terrible best friend. He can’t condemn Oikawa’s relationship to failure just because he knows how Oikawa works, because there’s a chance that Yamaguchi can either function under Oikawa’s bounds, or maybe even figure him out before it’s too late.

So he does his best to remain as neutral as possible. Oikawa gushes about Yamaguchi, and he listens, nods, only hits him when things get less PG than is appropriate. And at the same time, he lets Oikawa creep into his bed whenever he has those nights where he’s thinking. About all the things that serve to torment him—his parents’ expectations, his own expectations, the teams expectations. Yamaguchi’s expectations. And they don’t talk, but Hajime thinks it’s enough for Oikawa. (It isn’t, but what is, no one can give.)

Still, Hajime feels like his resolve is slowly breaking, in all the wrong ways.

**Yamaguchi Tadashi**

**XXX**

“I want to take a shower,” Tooru whispers in Tadashi’s ear after practice, like it’s a secret. They’re alone in the locker rooms.

Tadashi blinks. “Okay? So take a shower.” He smiles, a genuinely innocent smile, because he doesn’t pick up on what Tooru is getting at.

Tooru rolls his head back and laughs a short little laugh that sounds a tiny bit exasperated. “Honestly, Tadashi. I meant with _you_.”

“Oh!” Tadashi says, realizing. “Oh. Well, yeah.” He starts pulling off his shirt.

“Not here.”

He puts his shirt back on. “Your place, then?”

Tooru nods and smooths out a wrinkle in Tadashi’s shirt with his palm.

They prepare to leave, but Tadashi gets a text that causes him to stop on the way out. “Shoot, I forgot I told someone in my class I’d give her the notes from today. We have a test tomorrow. It won’t take long.” He’s apologetic.

Tooru smiles and squeezes his hand. “I’ll get started without you, then.”

“Okay.” Tadashi glances around briefly, kisses Tooru on the cheek.

**X**

Tadashi knocks, and no one answers. The door is unlocked, so he lets himself in. He can hear the shower already running, so he slips off his shoes and stuffs his socks in them and pads down the hallway.

He pushes the door to the bathroom open, peeking his head around the corner as he calls, “Toooooruuu…”

“ _Fuck_ , _Yamaguchi_ , _I’m not Oikawa, get out!_ ”

**X**

He finds Oikawa in his room, on his bed. He looks up when Tadashi enters. “Hi! Shower was occupied.”

“I know,” Tadashi replies, white-faced.

**Iwaizumi Hajime**

**XXX**

Something breaks.

Hajime can’t tell if it’s him or Oikawa who breaks it.

**Oikawa Tooru**

**X**

Tooru slams the door before Iwaizumi can get another word in, and only then does he realize that it’s raining.

His pride won’t allow him to go back inside to grab an umbrella.

He half-hopes Iwaizumi will realize what happened and will open the door. But he’s put up a wall now that neither of them can climb. Not tonight, anyway.

The walk to campus is long and watery.

**X**

At least he has his phone in his pocket, so he can text Tadashi to let him into the building. Tooru is thankful he doesn’t ask any questions (yet), just says he’ll be right down. Tooru huddles under the skinny overhang in front of the door, willing himself not to shiver. It half works. He rehearses his smile.

When Tadashi comes down, Tooru flashes him a good one. Years of practice, after all. Practicing is what he’s good at. Maybe the only thing.

“Hey, Tada-chan. Iwa-chan and I had a fight so I don’t want to be around him.”

“Oh my god, you’re completely soaked!” Tooru wonders if Tadashi even registered what he said, but he guesses it doesn’t matter. He’s kind enough to look after him no matter what the circumstances. Tooru hates that he has to be looked after. Usually it’s by Iwa-chan, except when they fight, and those times are the darkest for him. But now he has a second best. Still, it’s amazing how big the gap is between that and the first, which may be what got him into this mess.

Tadashi brings him up to his room, apologizes to his roommate for the sudden guest, but not so much as to make Tooru feel unwelcome.

He picks out some of his looser fitting clothing and demands Tooru go change. They’re almost the same height, but Tooru is broader, particularly in the chest. He’s not about to pass up the offer, though.

He doesn’t stop smiling until he’s alone in the bathroom.

If he hadn’t asked, this wouldn’t have happened. _Iwa-chan, do you dislike Tadashi?_

If he hadn’t whittled away at Iwaizumi. _What’s your problem? Are you jealous or something? I thought you didn’t like me._ Phrasing. His charisma always leaves him at the worst times, but only around Iwaizumi. Only when it matters.

He shucks off his clothes, towels off a little, tugs on the borrowed clothes. Messes with his hair in the grimy dorm mirror. Steels himself. Returns to Tadashi’s room. Turns on the charm for his roommate, trying to ease the inconvenience of having a near-stranger (they’ve met twice before) staying in his room on a school night. The guy is very quiet, and also doesn’t seem to mind much, so he lets him be after a while. Tadashi apologizes, but he has to do homework, so he lets Tooru borrow his charger so he can plug in his phone near the bed and entertain himself until they’re going to sleep. He keeps checking the clock. It’s 9:02 PM.

_You really want to know what I’m thinking?_

Tooru starts up Love Live. He closes it after a second. He reads one of his favorite alien creepypastas.

9:09 PM.

_When are you going to stop jerking people around?_

He turns over on the bed, trying to get comfortable despite his heavy head.

9:15 PM.

_Your feelings aren’t the only ones at risk here, Oikawa. Did you consider that?_

He’s twitching his foot. Tadashi looks over, a slight crinkle in his brow.

9:26 PM.

_When are you going to start having consideration for other people?_

Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Something to focus on. Slightly effective.

9:47 PM.

Tadashi texts him: ‘ _Do you want to talk about it? I can do my homework later._ ’

He replies: ‘ _Nope! Get your study on, Tada-chan!_ _(_ _。_ _⌒∇⌒_ _)_ _。’_ He flops over on the bed again.

He doesn’t want to talk about it.

He just wants to stop thinking about it.

_When are you going to grow up?_

Tooru gets up suddenly, telling a surprised Tadashi that he has to go to the bathroom. He comes back at exactly 10 PM.

**X**

Tadashi and his roommate both go to bed around 11. Tooru gets in with him, eager to finally have a distraction. The light is off, the roommate is across the room, the boyfriend is decidedly _not_ across the room. His back is pressed against Tooru’s, but that’s easily fixed by Tooru turning over. Tadashi seems to go a bit tense, but otherwise doesn’t react. Oikawa rationalizes; he imagined the stiffness.

His hand, previously around Tadashi’s waist, creeps lower.

_You think I don’t know you well enough to see what you’re doing?_

_It’s none of your business, Iwa-chan._

Clammy fingers grab his wrist. “What are you doing?!” Tadashi whispers, so, so quietly. The kind of whisper that carries across otherwise silent rooms. The back of his neck is radiating heat.

_It’s none of my business?_

“Nothin’ unusual,” Oikawa whispers back, feeling a little manic. He’s in a mood. The same kind of mood that got him into trouble earlier tonight. How many people can he alienate in the span of four hours? Part of him is screaming _STOP_ —the Iwaizumi part, probably, that’s been ingrained in him after so many years of knowing the other boy—but the Tooru part of him—the part that yearns to self-destruct—says _Go_.

_When you finally stop this—when it all comes crashing down on you, and you expect me to pick up the pieces—will you say it’s none of my business then?_

“We can’t. We really, _really_ can’t. My roommate is right there.” He turns over, still gripping Tooru’s wrist, pressing holding it against his chest. His face is completely scandalized. While Tooru isn’t necessarily _out_ , Tadashi is so far in, he’s in Narnia. The only people that know are Tooru, Iwaizumi, and Tsukishima, the tall blocker from their high school team he’s apparently been best friends with for years. And according to Tadashi, these are all very recent developments.

Tooru sticks out his bottom lip in a pout. He feels black sludge closing in around him, seeping in through the fabric of the lent shirt he’s wearing, threatening to close in on him. _Stop. Stop. STOP!_ “I bet you could be quiet if you really tried. Come on, Tada-chan, let me touch you.”

_It would be different if you actually let him in, but you don’t, and he doesn’t even fully realize it. Or if he does, he’s pretending he doesn’t. And you let him._

“ _No_.” He’s squeezing Tooru’s wrist, probably without even noticing what he’s doing. Tooru’s fingers twitch.

Two days ago. _Tadashi, I really like you._

Two weeks ago. _Tadashi, you’re so fun to be around._

Two months ago. _Tadashi, let’s go out again!_

Two and a half years ago. _Iwa-chan, I’m in love with you._

Tooru’s smile breaks for only a fraction of a second. “Okay. I’m sorry.” He means it.

Tadashi doesn’t even look relieved. He let’s go of Tooru’s wrist, pushes his fingers between Tooru’s slack ones, and gives a gentle squeeze.

Tooru shuts his eyes, drops the massive weight of his smile.

_When are you going to grow up?_

**Iwaizumi Hajime**

**XXX**

After they’ve fought other times, it seems like the entropy in the universe—in Oikawa—decreases. It goes against all the natural laws of the world, but then again, that’s always Oikawa’s goal. He stands in front of Hajime, looking small—earnest—and offers a one word apology. He’s still. He waits. The storm comes to a halt, or maybe he just brings Hajime to the eye of it.

And Hajime always silently hugs him, accepting it without any words, because he knows Oikawa doesn’t want him to apologize back. Because Oikawa, despite the way he acts and what he tells everyone, can realize when he is wrong. Behind his façade of smiles and throwing peace signs at anyone who glances in his direction, he’s always blaming himself for any failure, no matter how small his part. He takes on the troubles of his teammates and friends; his parents, especially. Oikawa’s mother is nice enough (maybe Hajime resents her a little bit for not taking better care of her own son), but his father is…a person Iwaizumi doesn’t really like, for how focused on success he is. He’s been trying to break Oikawa out from his father’s ideals since middle school.

He changed at the very end of their last year of high school, seemed to forgive himself for their last loss, but that didn’t mean he grew out of the habits and ideas that used to cause him anguish over them. Those are still there, just in a quieter form, bubbling at a low boil beneath the surface. He doesn’t spend as long beating himself up for a loss, but the way he works after has a hard fervency to it. It has an appearance of being more adult without completely giving up the child aspect.

Still, Hajime thinks so much about protecting Oikawa that he forgets that Oikawa has taken care of him too. It’s not a one-way street, and it’s laughably ironic how he seems to forget that at the least opportune times and paint himself as some sort of valiant hero to Oikawa’s secret suffering.

So this time, he feels like he should apologize. True, Oikawa asked him first if he had a problem, but he could have let it go, because as Oikawa said later, it wasn’t really any of his business what kind of relationships he wanted to have, or how he wanted to have them. No matter how you looked at it, Hajime was meddling in a place he didn’t belong. He gave up his right to that place over two years ago.

He’s used to thinking, ‘ _If I don’t protect Oikawa, who will?’_ and also, ‘ _If I don’t protect others from Oikawa, who will?’_ He’s been doing it their whole lives, or at least, that’s the way it feels.

It’s these ideas Hajime has been thinking about for the last few hours. It’s these ideas he’s been challenging.

He’d said to Oikawa, ‘ _When are you going to grow up?’_ Maybe what he should have asked was, ‘ _When am I going to let you?’_

Because when he thinks about it, sure, Oikawa might be codependent, but is that entirely his fault? Hasn’t Hajime been enabling him for as long as they both can remember?

Maybe the only exception was when Oikawa told him he was in love with him. He let Oikawa act exactly the same as before, didn’t try to stop him from digging himself in any deeper. That, Hajime realizes at 2 AM as he’s lying in bed after Oikawa has stormed out in the rain, was selfishly motivated. He couldn’t bear to lose his closest friend, so he didn’t say anything to discourage him from loving him. He only implied that he wouldn’t be able to love him back—not in the way Oikawa hoped for.

What kind of message must that have sent?

Hajime wonders if a point had come where Oikawa had gotten so good at masking his feelings that even he can’t figure them out.

But then, he realizes, it must have, further in the past than he even originally considered, if he never knew that Oikawa felt that way about him.

This is only half the epiphany. The other half is even worse.

Hajime has felt distracted and uneasy ever since Yamaguchi entered the picture. He still maintains that he likes Yamaguchi.

But when he sees them together, he feels weird. And he feels terrible for feeling weird, and he should want his best friend to be happy (especially with someone who isn’t him). Even if Oikawa isn’t opening up completely to Yamaguchi, who’s to say he won’t?

Isn’t the only person standing in the way of that, holding on to negativity and pessimism—isn’t that Hajime?

Why can’t he just be happy for him now? It feels like everything he’s ever done has been for Oikawa’s happiness. Carrying Oikawa two streets up to his house after he fell off his bike when they were seven. Going to every shitty alien movie the night of the premiere, because Oikawa asked him to. Making sure Oikawa didn’t slump too hard after a loss to Shiratorizawa, didn’t crumple under the weight of his parents’ expectations, forcing him to eat and sleep and think about things other than volleyball. Making sure, except for that one awful time when he hurt his knee, that he didn’t work so hard his body couldn’t keep up and crumbled under him.

Hajime wonders, perhaps for the first time in his life, what his true feelings for Oikawa are.

He thinks back to the end of high school, Oikawa’s confession. He had felt the air crushed out of his lungs, because surely there was no way he could reciprocate. Surely, Oikawa, who hates losing, wouldn’t be able to stand losing him, and would withdraw completely, because the person who usually pulled him out was the person who caused him to recede into himself in the first place. He had thought it might be worse than dying, because Oikawa was basically the center of his world.

And when that hadn’t happened?

Things had gone back to normal.

What was normal?

Going to the gym twice in a day for two weeks after they’d suffered a defeat to drag Oikawa out of there. Making him ice his knee, which still gets bad sometimes (and probably won’t ever be fully good again), as he watches opponent’s games until 2 AM. Staying up with him until 2 AM more than once to watch them when he has class in seven hours. Making him switch off the games to watch an episode of Real UFOs so he doesn’t have stress dreams.

Cooking him dinner when he’s not going out to eat with Yamaguchi. Forcing him to sit down and do his homework for at least two hours. Not getting mad when he stops after one and comes into Hajime’s room to prevent him from doing his own work. Talking about class, volleyball, Yamaguchi.

Letting Oikawa creep into his bed early in the morning. Adjusting so he can run his fingers through Oikawa’s hair until he falls asleep. Holding him close so he doesn’t toss and turn, like he does in his own bed sometimes.

Questions are prompting Hajime in his mind, endless, digging deep into his heart. He turns over and over, begging for sleep, or any kind of release from Oikawa. It doesn’t come. There are only racing thoughts. Thoughts like, ‘ _What is that, Hajime? What’s the reason you do that for him?’_

Isn’t it love?

Isn’t he in love with his best friend, too?

**X**

‘ _Stop avoiding me. Stop leaving the apartment all the time. I miss you,_ ’ Tooru texts him the next morning.

He swallows, mouth dry, and doesn’t reply.

**Yamaguchi Tadashi**

**X**

When Tadashi wakes up in the morning, Tooru is gone. There’s a text from him that says he’ll bring Tadashi’s clothes to practice, followed by three emoticons.

He’s acting like it’s fine.

This makes Tadashi think it’s not fine.

He’s not mad, but he thinks it’s possible that Tooru is, or maybe that Tooru thinks _he_ is. He texts, one-handed, as he’s brushing his teeth. ‘ _Tooru…I’m not mad at you but I am kind of worried. You seemed really upset yesterday. You don’t always have to be happy all the time and you can talk to me if you want to._ ’

The reply comes back almost immediately. ‘ _Aww. Thanks for caring about me tada-chan!!!_ _(●´_ _∀_ _｀_ _●)_ _You don’t have to worry though! Me and iwa-chan just have fights sometimes. I’m over it and I’m sure he is too_ _(_ _ﾉ_ _´_ _ヮ_ _´)_ _ﾉ_ _*:_ _･ﾟ_ _✧_ _I’m truly sorry for overstepping my boundaries yesterday._ _(|||_ _❛_ _︵_ _❛_ _.)_ _I’m glad to hear you’re not mad!!_ _ヽ_ _(*_ _・_ _ω_ _・_ _)_ _ﾉ_ _’_

And yet, Tadashi is uneasy.

**X**

Practice comes and goes. Tooru and Iwaizumi interact normally. Tooru is poking fun at Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi is brushing him off. Maybe he’s a little less violent, a little gentler, but otherwise, they’re so normal that Tadashi is questioning if they even had a fight. He wonders if maybe they had some kind of conversation before he got to practice, since he was a few minutes late today. The whole thing only makes him more nervous.

He notices he keeps glancing at Iwaizumi, as if he’s expecting him to reveal information Tooru won’t, but when he thinks about that, it doesn’t make sense. Tooru is his boyfriend. If he’s going to hear anything about Tooru’s life, it should be from him.

Tadashi finds himself trying to conjure up a list of all the times this has happened before.

_I love aliens!_

_My favorite food is milk bread._

_I can’t decide if I like your freckles or your ponytail more._

The list is composed of things like this. And when Tadashi looks closer at them, he realizes none of them mean anything.

He’s had conversations with Tsukki before—conversations he treasured, because Tsukki can be hard to talk to—about deep, personal things. How nervous Tadashi was about high school, Tsukki’s fallen adoration for his brother, what they were going to do after high school, and after that. Things that they both said that made Tadashi sure their friendship could survive, even if they were pinned to opposite ends of the country. Tadashi used to wonder sometimes if he meant as much to Tsukki as Tsukki meant to him (even if he figured that wasn’t strictly possible). But after that last one, he realized that as long as he didn’t let go, Tsukki wouldn’t either.

Nothing like this has ever happened with Tooru.

When practice ends, he tugs at the back of Tooru’s t-shirt, getting him to hang back. “Want to get some ice cream?” he asks. He keeps his voice casual, but watches Tooru closely.

“You’re the only sweet thing I need, Tada-chan.” Tooru bumps his shoulder, smiling.

Tadashi laughs, letting his face settle into a smile. “Is that a no?”

Something in the way he slowly blinks looks just slightly off. It’s the tiniest movement, but it seems to put a crack in Tooru’s presence. “Hmm. No. Ice cream sounds good.”

So they get ice cream and walk around town.

Tadashi sucks on his spoon and braces himself, unsure of exactly why. “What did you and Iwaizumi-san fight about, Tooru?” He tells himself he’s not expecting to not get an answer.

Tooru scrapes at a small cookie dough ball with his spoon, causing it to come loose and fall deeper into the cup. “We used to fight about all kinds of stupid things. We got mad at each other for calling each other stupid names, eating the last cookie Iwa-chan’s mom made, putting bugs in each other’s shirts. Stupid kid stuff.” He scoops up some ice cream, flips the spoon over and quickly sticks it into his mouth, working it off with his tongue.

“And then we got a little older and didn’t fight as much. But we started again when I hurt my knee in high school. Iwa-chan got really mad.”

“He was worried about you,” Tadashi supplies.

“Yeah, he said that. He also said I needed to take care of myself better.” Tooru turns to him, flashing a bright smile. “I said, ‘Why should I when Iwa-chan will take care of me?’”

Tadashi smiles back weakly. “That’s really immature, Tooru.”

Tooru tilts his head to the side. “I was joking. I did take better care of myself.” He watches as they pass another couple, a boy and a girl in high school uniforms, holding hands. “Another time I told him something I shouldn’t have about someone who liked him. It was complicated, and things were awkward for a while. But we made up. We always do.”

Tadashi waits, expecting more. When no more comes, he gently prods, “What about last night?”

Tooru’s eyelids are lowered slightly, his lips pressed thin in his current smile. Strange, Tadashi thinks. “He always tells me I have a bad personality. He got mad at me for something I don’t really know how to change, and I think he’s realized that. Maybe not accepted it, but he realized it.”

Tadashi takes in the pattern of the sidewalk under their feet as they walk, brushes against Tooru’s arm, unsure of what to say.

**XXX**

One weekend in the middle of Tadashi’s third semester of university, Tsukki visits.

They decided the week before that they both had relatively little going on class-wise, and there was no practice on the weekends, so Tsukki planned to take the bullet train down Saturday morning. He would leave again Sunday night.

For the entire week preceding his visit, it was all Tadashi could talk about. He’d told Tooru tons about Tsukki already, but suddenly he was remembering new things in his frenzy of excitement. It had been over six months since he’d seen his best friend. And now his best friend was going to meet his boyfriend.

He and Tooru had been in Tooru’s apartment, watching a drama one of his better-known fans (friends?) told him he might like, and Tadashi had been reminded of something that had happened in their second year of high school by the heroine of the show. So he started telling Tooru, who paused the show for the fifth time, listening patiently.

Iwaizumi came in during the middle of his story to get some water.

“Your friend’s coming to visit, Yamaguchi?” he asked conversationally.

“Yeah, tomorrow! We should all do something!”

“He was the one on your team in high school, right? The tall guy.”

“Yep! Tsukki’s 195 centimeters.”

Tadashi and Tooru were both sitting at opposite ends of the couch with their legs stretching out in the middle of it. Tooru leaned forward and put his hands on Tadashi’s shins. “Tadashi, we could have a party. Invite everyone from the team,” he suggested, a glint in his eye. “Probably some girls too. Does he like girls?”

Tadashi thought about the times he’d asked Tsukki if he was interested in anyone. He’d always just said ‘Not really’ or ‘Dating is tedious.’ “I don’t think he minds them, but for the most part he doesn’t care.” He glanced up at Iwaizumi, who was frowning a little, staring into the sink. Tooru followed his gaze, turned around to look at his friend.

“You don’t mind if we have a party here, do you Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi looked up, snapping out of his trance. “What? No, do whatever you want.”

“You’ll come hang out, won’t you? You should meet Tada-chan’s friend.”

“For a bit, maybe.”

Tooru turned back to Tadashi. “You should ask him if he wants to. Does he drink?”

“Yeah, sometimes.” Tadashi was excited at the prospect of Tsukki meeting his whole team _and_ his boyfriend. He wouldn’t have thought the former would be possible on a weekend, but if anyone could convince everyone else to abandon their homework for a night to come drink, it was Tooru.

Tooru slid his hands up Tadashi’s shins to his feet and wiggled them. “Good! It’ll be fun!”

**X**

Just as Tadashi couldn’t stop talking to Tooru about Tsukki, when he picks Tsukki up from the train station, he finds he can’t stop talking about Tooru. He’s been showing Tsukki his campus, and that just brings up stories of ‘ _Once Tooru and I spent an hour under that tree after practice_ ’ and ‘ _Tooru has class in that building and I crashed it once to see what it was like_ ’ and ‘ _This is the only vending machine on campus that carries Tooru’s favorite coffee._ ’

They make it to town, which is only a bit away from campus, and get lunch at his and Tooru’s favorite ramen place (‘ _I accidentally flipped over Tooru’s ramen once_ ’). “Do you want to meet him?” he asks, finally.

“I feel like I’ve already met him,” Tsukki replies, poking at the hard-boiled egg in his soup with his chopsticks.

Tadashi’s are limp in his hand; he’s been talking too much to eat. He laughs a little. “I guess I have been talking a lot. Sorry, Tsukki.” He decides to put a dent in his ramen. After a minute or so, he says, “Actually, he wanted to throw a party for you, if you’re interested.”

“Oh? The Grand King wants to honor a commoner like me? I suppose I should be flattered.”

Tadashi digs at the noodles in his soup with his chopsticks. “It’s not like that! He’s not like Kageyama was. I’ve just told him a lot about you.” He’s a little embarrassed to admit it, since Tsukki doesn’t usually like being talked about.

Tsukki shrugs. “I feel like I should meet him,” he says this time.

Tadashi decides to take that as a win, and as a yes.

**X**

Tadashi is on edge for the entire first real conversation they have with each other, simply because he’s so invested in it. His best friend and his boyfriend liking each other is so important to him. Tooru is easy to talk to, and it seems like he can even get Tsukki to talk a little more than usual. They talk about school, and what they’re studying; the conversation drifts to volleyball, which is probably inevitable. Tsukki compliments Tooru’s serves (after what looks like only a very small inner struggle), and Tooru says that if he remembers correctly, Tsukki was a pretty good blocker. Tadashi indulges himself, accepting this as evidence to a good relationship.

It’s just after 10 PM and he’s mixing drinks with Tooru, accidentally pouring too much alcohol into one cup. Tooru tells him he’ll take that one. Twenty minutes later, Tooru gets Tadashi to finish his drink because he says it’s too strong.

Half an hour after that, when Tadashi has finished his own drink, he realizes this is probably the most drunk he’s ever been. He’s had beers before with Tooru, but tonight they were drinking hard alcohol, with a significantly higher alcohol content. It feels different. He’s been attached in a group to Tsukki and Tooru the entire evening, but now Tooru is off talking to their teammates with Iwaizumi.

He watches Tsukki for a moment, who seems to be observing the party. “Tsukki, are you having fun?” He wonders if he’s wobbling a little. He sure hopes he’s not.

His tall friend takes a sip of his drink. “Sure,” he says.

Tadashi bites his lip. “You don’t seem like you’re having fun.”

“I’m having fun. Your friends are interesting.”

“What do you think of Tooru?” He can tell Tsukki doesn’t like him pressing these issues, maybe part of him thinks Tsukki would rather not be here, but maybe the alcohol is also messing with his head a little bit.

Tsukki sighs. “I like him.” He sounds exasperated. “I’m glad you like him. But—” The crease between his eyebrows deepens, and he takes another sip of his drink.

“But what?” Tadashi prompts, aware that this is exactly what Tsukki doesn’t want and barreling right through it anyway.

“Nothing.”

“Tsukki, come on.”

Tsukki’s not looking at him; he’s looking at Tooru and Iwaizumi. “Doesn’t it bother you that he’s always hanging off his friend like that? It doesn’t seem…normal.”

Tadashi looks away from Tsukki to follow his gaze. Tooru has his arm pushed through Iwaizumi’s, fingers twisted in his sleeve, and is leaning heavily into him. Iwaizumi just lets him, carrying on a conversation with a girl Tooru had invited. It’s a pretty natural and common occurrence, and Tadashi doesn’t see why Tsukki’s asking him about it.

“They’ve been friends longer than we have; since they were little kids. They’re close,” Tadashi explains.

He’s sure he’s already told Tsukki this, and he wouldn’t have forgotten. So why is he asking?

**Oikawa Tooru**

**X**

Seeing Tadashi’s friend is a lot different than hearing about him. Tooru can tell just from the way Tadashi looks at him that he respects Tsukishima and values his opinion above all else.

Tsukishima, meanwhile, seems to brush off most of Tadashi’s interactions in a rather rude way; what’s worse is that Tadashi seems used to it. Tsukishima keeps his conversation with Tooru polite, but stiff, and Tooru gets the feeling he’s holding back from baiting him. He knows from things Tadashi’s said (casually, without even realizing the implications) that Tsukishima has a mean streak, likes to get a rise out of people.

Somehow, he feels like he’s being denied a chance. A chance for a competition. A chance to prove himself to his boyfriend’s best friend. A chance to beat him.

Tooru doesn’t like Tsukishima.

**Iwaizumi Hajime**

**X**

Oikawa is drunk. Hajime supposes this should be allowed, since it’s his apartment and the party was his idea, but somehow he feels anxious about it. Maybe because Yamaguchi seems further into his drink than he usually is.

Yamaguchi has dragged Tooru over to play Koi-Koi with him and Tsukishima and a few others. In a seemingly uncharacteristic Yamaguchi moment, he’d neglected to ask Hajime to play too. Which was fine, because he can entertain himself at a party.

However, Yamaguchi is usually enthusiastic about including him, since he knows how much Oikawa cares about him. He’s always inviting Hajime to do things with them (even when Oikawa isn’t), although Hajime usually turns him down, feeling it more appropriate to give them their space, especially now that Oikawa’s demanded he stop avoiding him.

Maybe he wouldn’t think anything more of it if he hadn’t noticed Tsukishima and Yamaguchi watching him and Oikawa before the sudden initiation of the card game. Yamaguchi had been looking slightly uneasy. He couldn’t read Tsukishima, but the general vibe he’s gotten from him in the short time he’s known him is that he’s clever, calculating.

This spells trouble for him. He doesn’t need someone removed from the situation realizing what he only realized himself a few weeks ago—that he’s in love with his best friend. His best friend who, over two years ago, confessed that he was in love with him. His best friend who was now dating someone else.

He’d thought to himself when he realized it that no one had to know. He certainly felt no urge whatsoever to tell Oikawa. And then he thought, if Oikawa could live however long he did acting as if he wasn’t in love with Hajime, he could do the same.

Maybe it’s for the best that he keeps away from Oikawa while Tsukishima is around. He doesn’t think he’s acting any different, but maybe that’s not enough. He doesn’t know how long his love for his friend has been mutual; it’s possible they’ve already been in the same rhythm for ages. And it’s been so gradual getting there that neither of them noticed the things that didn’t stay the same.

**Oikawa Tooru**

**X**

Tooru wants to hold Tadashi’s hand. He wants to kiss him on the cheek. He wants to take him into his room and fuck him into the mattress, drink in his screams and moans of pleasure and make it so everyone knows he’s his.

He wants Tsukishima to know how much Tadashi enjoys him.

He wants Tadashi to know too.

Why is it that he’s sitting across from his boyfriend while his best friend, his second best, sits next to him? His head may be fuzzy from all that he’s had to drink, but that thought sticks in the front of his mind as something that very clearly does not make sense.

The game ends, Yamaguchi’s congratulating Tsukishima on winning.

Tooru gets up, staggering slightly as he makes his way around the table and plops himself down on Tadashi’s lap, fully aware that he’s leaning back into Tsukishima’s personal space. The girl he was sitting next to giggles as he puts his arms around Tadashi’s neck. Tsukishima moves his chair away from Tadashi’s, his face set in a kind of grimace.

“T-Tooru!” Tadashi stutters.

Tooru leans his face against Tadashi’s. His cheek feels warm at the contact, though he’s not sure if that’s from him or Tadashi. It could be both, probably.

Tadashi’s leaning back a little. “Stop squirming, gosh,” Tooru chides.

“I guess we’re done playing then?” Tsukishima says, sounding sullen. He stands up, taking his mostly empty cup with him. Tooru wonder if there was even any alcohol in it, or if he’s just some kind of tank.

“Ts-Tsukki!”

“Don’t get up, Yamaguchi.” The second sentence is muttered, and Tadashi probably doesn’t hear it, but Tooru does. “As if you could.” He can’t help but think that Tsukishima knows he heard, and that was the plan.

He grins.

**Yamaguchi Tadashi**

**X**

Tadashi is bordering on uncomfortable. Physically, sure. His head feels light and floaty from the alcohol (sometime in the last hour, someone had handed him a beer on top of the rest of the stuff he’d had). He’s really warm, mostly around his core, inside, and he’s not sure he likes the sensation all that much.

But there are other, more important things making him uncomfortable. He’s nervous about Tooru suddenly plopping down in his lap with all these people around. Part of him is going _‘What if someone guesses?_ ’ His team members could have realized maybe their closeness is something more than just good friendship.

But they don’t guess that about Tooru and Iwaizumi, so Tadashi forces himself to be rational and calm down.

He indulges Tooru, nervously trying to watch Tsukki get a drink (water, from the looks of it). One of the girls Tooru invited comes up and talks to him. Tooru’s talking right in Tadashi’s ear, maybe to him, but he’s only half listening. The girl Tooru was sitting next to before seems enraptured, so he counts on her giving him the attention he’s apparently seeking and watches Tsukki.

Girls used to flirt with Tsukki all the time in high school. Tadashi even got one or two confessions that the girls asked him to pass along to Tsukishima. And he did it, like an idiot. But maybe part of him thought ‘ _If Tsukki gets a girlfriend, I can give up._ ’

Tsukki never did. He didn’t flirt back. He didn’t even talk to most of the girls for all that long, never got close to them. Tadashi had asked him why once and he simply said dating didn’t interest him. Which was both good and bad for Tadashi. Probably mostly bad.

One of his hands is on Tooru’s back, and the other is draped across his legs, but he doesn’t even register the warmth of another body on him, the pressure on his legs of the dense person on top of them; he just feels hot and dense himself. He’s watching for the first time as Tsukki smiles at the girl he’s talking to.

Tadashi knows her. She’s in his accounting class. She gave him the notes on a day he missed because he was sick. She’s very nice.

He’s aware that he’s trying to suppress some feelings that are bubbling up in his throat. He’s aware of exactly what those feelings are, and he’s already acknowledged them—he couldn’t not, being as used to them as he is—so technically it’s too late, but he’s trying to suppress them anyway.

Tooru is moving around as he talks, jostling Tadashi slightly with his arm still around his neck, and Tadashi forces himself to look away. He stares at the table over Tooru’s arm, tries to tune in to what Tooru is saying.

His head is really spinning more than he thought it was.

Maybe it’s not just feelings bubbling up.

He pushes Tooru off him rougher than he means to and stumbles into the bathroom.

**Oikawa Tooru**

**X**

Tooru doesn’t realize why he’s on the floor until Tsukishima’s already halfway to the bathroom. He stumbles after him, cursing his relatively low tolerance and the amount he had to drink. The tall jerk has taken up the only other space in the room itself, crouching next to Tadashi with his hand on his back as Tadashi vomits into the toilet.

Now Tooru feels very bad. He hovers in the doorway as Iwa-chan comes out of his room (which is adjacent to the bathroom; he probably heard everything). “What happened?” He peers into the room past Tooru. “Oh, fuck. Oikawa, move.” He pushes past Tooru and goes to the kitchen, to get water, probably Tooru realizes. He could have done that, but instead he just…stands helplessly.

He’s used to being taken care of. He doesn’t really know how to take care of others.

Iwaizumi comes back with a glass, pushing past him again.

“Maybe get everyone out of here, yeah? It’s late anyway,” he says.

Yeah, he can do that.

**Yamaguchi Tadashi**

**X**

He feels a little better now that his stomach is empty, but he’s still warm and dizzy. He drinks the water Iwaizumi hands him, as well as a second glass, and decides to stay in the bathroom while Tooru clears everyone out. Practice on Monday is going to be embarrassing. He wants to sleep for a week.

“Everyone’s gone.” Tooru has reappeared in the doorway. “Do you want to come out from there?”

“Maybe he should stay, just in case,” Tsukki says from the floor next to Tadashi.

“I’m okay now,” Tadashi says weakly. He starts trying to stand up. Tsukki gets up first and moves away to give him some room, offers his hand, which Tadashi takes. He realizes his hands are shaking just a little. He washes them, swishes some of the third glass of water Iwaizumi brought him around in his mouth, spitting into the sink.

“We should go,” Tsukki says.

“You guys could stay here if you want,” Tooru offers. He looks oddly helpless.

Tsukki looks to Tadashi, expression carefully calculated neutral.

“We can go. I think it’ll help to walk around outside where it’s cooler,” Tadashi says.

“I can walk you back,” Tooru says, moving to go into his room to grab a coat.

Iwaizumi appears. “No, you can’t. You go to bed. I’ll walk you guys back if you want.”

“We’re fine, thank you. I’m sober,” Tsukki says.

Iwaizumi nods. Tooru is clutching the back of his shirt like a child, probably not aware of where his hand is. They walk Tadashi and Tsukki to the door, making sure they both have their phones, wallets, keys.

“Take care of Tooru, Iwaizumi-san,” Tadashi says, giving a tired smile.

“I will.”

Tadashi knows he will. And Tsukki will do the same for him.

**X**

Tsukki wakes him up an hour before his train is going to leave. Yamaguchi sits up too suddenly, sways from the pain in his head.

“I can go myself if you’re too…hungover.”

Tadashi looks at his phone. He’s got five texts from Tooru…that he’ll answer later. “No, I’ll just take some painkillers. It’ll be fine.”

He takes some painkillers. They don’t help much, but he can make Tsukki believe they do. He acts brighter and more cheerful than he feels and nearly falls over putting on his pants, which are typical Tadashi things to do. Tsukki, for the most part, doesn’t react, which is a typical Tsukki thing to do.

As they’re walking to the train station, he feels like there’s a stiff silence between them. “Tsukki, I’m sorry about last night.”

“What are you apologizing for?”

Tadashi’s not sure if that means ‘Why are you apologizing?’ or ‘Which thing are you apologizing for?’ He takes it to be the latter.

“For drinking too much and for…Tooru being…difficult.”

“Only one of those things was your fault.”

Tadashi crosses his arms over his chest and taps his finger on his bicep, sighing. “Tsukki, just accept my apology.”

Tsukki glances at him sideways, mouth quirked down but eyebrows lifted in a way that Tadashi knows means he’s slightly amused. “Fine, I accept your apology.”

He looks at Tsukki for a second as they’re walking.

He really is beautiful.

Tadashi looks away hurriedly. “I’m really glad you came, you know. I…missed you a lot.” He almost regrets saying the words, remembering the girl from his accounting class. But then, he doesn’t, because they’re true.

Tsukki is quiet for a beat. “I missed you, too.”

Tadashi looks away to hide his grin.

**XXX**

The end starts the day Tsukki leaves. It happens over the course of nine days.

Sunday:

Tadashi thinks. All these uncomfortable feelings he’s having throughout his entire body aren’t just due to the hangover. The sickness in his stomach is more familiar to him than the first hangover he’s ever had. It’s the dull, anxious ache he felt through most of his high school career, which had only grown worse and worse with every day he spent with Tsukki. ‘With’ as a friend. And that was the problem.

The ache had gotten less and less painful to the point where he thought it had gone away over the time he spent in college. But it hadn’t gone away, he is now realizing. It had only gone dormant.

 _‘You can love more than one person,’_ Tadashi always believed.

He thinks about this over the course of the next week.

Monday:

Tadashi realized he was in love with Tsukki in his last year of middle school. At the time, he thought it was exciting. Maybe when they got a little older, and he was sure of it (because he knew he was young, maybe he didn’t know what love was), he would tell him. Maybe Tsukki felt the same. He looked for signs.

What he found didn’t clear anything up. Tsukki so infrequently talked about his own feelings that Tadashi had to constantly guess (asking about them was out of the question; Tsukki was clever and might have figured it out before Tadashi was ready to tell him). The way he waved when they were walking home and they reached Tadashi’s house first. He looked back, but was it just manners? The times he offered Tadashi the rest of his fries—the soft ones he didn’t like the texture of—when Tadashi had finished his. He was always telling Tadashi he was too skinny, but what did that care indicate? When he asked to practice more with Tadashi, after Tadashi had yelled at him for being unmotivated—was that just him growing as a person, or did he want to spend more time with him? Or both?

You can love more than one person. But it’s painful when they don’t love you back.

Everything was too ambiguous, and with each passing day of not being able to decipher Tsukki’s feelings, he grew surer of his own. And as he grew surer and Tsukki continued to act the same, he grew more desperate. And as he grew desperate—as he began to imagine his life where a confession turned Tsukki away from him—he grew afraid.

So he never said anything.

And now here he is.

Tuesday:

Practice is particularly grueling. Tooru always seems to want to have sex after hard practices, so they do, twice. And they lay in Tooru’s bed, sweaty limbs tangled up in each other, panting. And Tooru turns to him and nuzzles his nose against Tadashi’s hair, his breath tickling his ear. Tadashi thinks ‘ _This is the part in movies where they always say “I love you.”’_

You can love more than one person. Tadashi does not know how long it takes to start to love someone.

How long had it taken with Tsukki? He realizes he doesn’t know. He had realized it at the end of middle school, but had he been in love with him for longer? What would have changed between the time he wasn’t in love with Tsukki and the time he was? He can’t think of anything.

He’s known Tooru for the better part of a year. Been together with him for only a couple months less than that. He’s never struggled with whether or not to say ‘I love you’ to Tooru. Now that he thinks about it, he wonders if they’ve both been avoiding it.

Why would they avoid it? Admitting you love someone is scary. Tadashi knows, which is why he hasn’t. But he doesn’t feel anxious around Tooru. Everything is comfortable, except that one time after the fight when he worried about Tooru not opening up to him. But other than that, it feels right to be around him. It feels good. Maybe they don’t need love yet.

Wednesday:

You can love more than one person. But you can’t have love without trust.

He thinks more about Tooru, and all the things he knows about him. The things are shallow, and they do not compound into anything deeper when he tries to piece them together. If he spreads out his knowledge of Tooru, he’s sitting in a puddle of water no more than three centimeters deep. The puddle is vast, but it is harmless to both of them.

When he thinks about the things he knows about Tsukki, it feels like an ocean that can swallow him up. His knowledge of Tsukki, collected over years of knowing him, is vast and deep, and he has to tread water to keep from sinking in.

When he compares them, it’s clear. He doesn’t love Tooru.

Something else is clear, too.

Tooru is not ready to let him.

This isn’t necessarily _not_ okay. It could take time, and Tadashi is patient. And he had revealed personal things to Tadashi when he had asked. So maybe it was a matter of asking.

But then, should he really have to do all the asking? All the waiting?

Thursday:

Tadashi’s focus shifts away from himself and Tsukki and onto Tooru. And because he’s focusing on Tooru, he notices Iwaizumi as well, perhaps more than ever before.

He watches them at practice. It’s very easy to believe that they’ve known each other since their memories began. When Tooru sets to Iwaizumi, he doesn’t look. It’s like with Hinata and Kageyama—he just knows he’ll be there. When Iwaizumi scolds Tooru, Tooru always has a smile on his face, even though this sometimes gets him in more trouble. He doesn’t dodge Iwaizumi’s short-tempered slaps or punches. He flings himself over Iwaizumi’s back when he’s picking up volleyballs, hangs off his shoulder as they walk, drapes himself over him when he’s sitting on the couch in their apartment.

It’s clear that Tooru trusts Iwaizumi.

And Iwaizumi, despite his seemingly constant irritation with Tooru, trusts him back.

You can love more than one person. There are different kinds of love.

You can love your parents, your siblings, your pets, your friends, and your significant other. Each kind of love is different. But sometimes they can blur together.

When he looks at Tooru and Iwaizumi, what he’s seeing is love between best friends, of course. But it’s more than that, as well. For both of them.

He wonders if they know.

Friday:

Tadashi mistakenly took Tooru’s notebook when they were doing homework together yesterday and left his own. They have the same one, and it’s happened before. He doesn’t realize it until he gets back from practice and opens it and realizes he needs it to complete an assignment that’s due at midnight.

Tooru’s still practicing, since they had a practice game and he’s not satisfied with the slim margin they won by. Tadashi would have stayed with him, but he’s not as far along on the assignment as he needs to be to finish it. He knows Iwaizumi is home, so he asks if he can come get it.

Iwaizumi answers the door when he knocks, notebook already in hand.

“This is the one, right?”

“Yeah, that’s it.” He pulls Tooru’s notebook out of his bag and they trade. He stares at it for a while, thinking. Not about the assignment.

“Something wrong, Yamaguchi?” Iwaizumi is leaning against the doorframe. He opens it a little wider as if he’s wondering if he should invite Tadashi in.

Tadashi stares at the notebook. The cover is yellow, a little ragged around the edges. Tooru’s has a slight bend at one of the corners. “Iwaizumi-san?”

“Yeah?”

He bites his lip, but he realizes even if he asks what he wants to ask, he won’t feel any different regardless of what the answer is. He looks up at Iwaizumi’s face. “Did you know you and Tooru are in love with each other?”

Iwaizumi doesn’t move for a second. He stares right back at Tadashi, his face the same casual curiosity it was before the question had been asked. He slowly straightens up until he’s got equal weight on both feet. His grip on the door relaxes, and he gives the answer they both already know. “Yeah.”

Tadashi nods a short, slow nod. “Does he know?”

There’s another pause, and this time he sees Iwaizumi’s eyes darken just the tiniest bit. “No.”

Tadashi nods again, backs up and bows. “Thank you for the notebook. I have to go work on my assignment now.”

You can love more than one person. If you’re lucky, they’ll love you back.

Saturday:

Tadashi turns down Tooru’s invitation to go to a movie with him. He says he has homework, which is true, but more than that, he wants to think about things.

You can love more than one person. Love can change over time.

Sunday:

Being Tooru’s boyfriend is fun. Tadashi loves being around him; they can get so excited about different things together. The sex is great. He’s good at volleyball, and he loves it, and Tadashi doesn’t mind when he chooses it over him because he understands. He can be catty sometimes, and he does need a lot of attention, but he’s a kind and good person who works very hard and treats Tadashi well.

Tadashi considers him a very good friend. A close second to the best he’s ever had.

But somewhere over the last week, that’s how Tadashi has started viewing him. There are factors, but the biggest is that they’re both in love with other people.

When Iwaizumi had confessed that he knew Tooru was in love with him, but Tooru didn’t know the same was true for Iwaizumi, Tadashi had read between the lines. He was seeing their relationship clearly now, whereas before he had probably always known Tooru was in love with Iwaizumi, because it is pretty obvious, but he had been filtering that part of his perception to believe they could find what they both sought in each other.

Tadashi no longer thinks this is possible. It’s also not fair.

Because under what Iwaizumi had said was the implication that he hadn’t told Tooru because he knew Tooru was happy with Tadashi. Which may be true, but when they could have more…Tadashi doesn’t want to stand in the way of that. And he’s thinking maybe he doesn’t want to stand in the way of himself anymore either, but that’s something he’ll confront later. He wants for Iwaizumi and Tooru what he wants for himself and Tsukki. It’s funny to him, but it seems like he can currently only influence one of those, and not the one he would expect.

You can love more than one person. It may be cliché, but it’s true: Sometimes if you love someone, you have to let them go. The thing they don’t tell you is that it doesn’t always have to hurt.

Monday:

Tooru is taking off his shoes as they step into his apartment. “Okay, I’ll flip a coin. Tails, homework, heads, X From Outer Space.”

There’s no easing into it, really. “Tooru.” He thought he was ready, but when Tooru turns to him, looking concerned at his tone, he feels hesitant. Or, not hesitant, really. He thinks Tooru will eventually agree with him, but he’s not sure how he’ll react now. But he already decided he was going to do this. It makes the most sense, and it does feel right when he’s removed from the situation. Tadashi’s never really liked confrontation, but when it comes down to it, he can be brave.

“Hm?”

He scratches his palm with his thumb nail, looks Tooru in the eyes, just as he did with Iwaizumi a few days ago. “I think we should break up.”

Tooru’s mouth twitches like he’s going to smile—a fake smile, instinctive in the face of alarm—but the movement gets away from him and his face settles. He’s quiet, and he looks straight at Tadashi. “Why?” The question is completely untainted by emotion. It’s a simple, logical question.

Tadashi is prepared to answer it. “I’m in love with someone else,” he says. He takes in a breath, during which Tooru looks like he’s thought of something to say, but Tadashi interrupts him before he can open his mouth. “I think you are, too. And normally that wouldn’t stop me. Because…” He trails off, distracted by all the things he knows he’s giving up by saying this. “I think you can love more than one person. But I think you need to be with the person you love the most, and for you, that isn’t me.”

They share a long look. “The person I love the most doesn’t love me back,” Tooru says, quietly, neither frowning nor smiling.

Tadashi still isn’t throwing Iwaizumi under the bus, even if it would be for his benefit. Instead, he cracks a dry smiles and says, “Well, I also don’t want to be second best. I’m being selfish.” He doesn’t apologize. He feels like Tooru doesn’t want him to. “I think we’ll both be okay…like this.”

Tooru tosses his head back a little, flicking his bangs out of his face with his fingers when it doesn’t do what he intended it to. “And how is that, Tada-chan?”

“Like friends. I hope we can be friends.” This is the most nerve-wracking part. He does love Tooru. He doesn’t want to let him go completely.

Tooru returns his smile, finally, a small but genuine one. “Well, duh. I’m not ready to let go of you just yet.” He reaches out and gives Tadashi’s shoulder a light squeeze.

You can love more than one person. The world would be a darker, lonelier place if you couldn’t.

**Oikawa Tooru**

**X**

Tooru, for once, is focused on his homework. He doesn’t feel like he’s distracting himself, but now that he’s single, he doesn’t have anything to do with his afternoon.

Iwa-chan comes back from getting groceries at 7. Tooru wanders out into the kitchen, sits at one of the barstools under their counter and watches him as he puts them away.

“You could help me, you know,” he grumbles.

He crosses his forearms on the counter and sets his chin on them. “I’m resting after a tiresome volleyball practice. You’re always telling me not to push myself so hard.”

“Oh, I see, so you’ll listen to me when it suits you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I always listen to you, Iwa-chan. Eventually.”

Iwa-chan grunts in what is probably disagreement as he nudges the door of the fridge closed with his ankle. “Where’s Yamaguchi?”

“Mm. In his dorm, probably.”

“Probably?” He looks at Tooru, who shrugs noncommittally, looking at the rice on the counter, escaping from the bag it had been in. He thinks it must have been a pain to carry that all the way from the store. “Did something between you guys?” Concern is centered at the point between his eyebrows. Tooru thinks of telling him he’s going to get wrinkles, but instead he settles on the truth.

“Not really. We broke up.”

Tooru is somewhat amused that Iwa-chan looks more upset than he feels. “Are you okay? Jesus, Oikawa, why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“I’m fine,” he says. And it’s true.

**Yamaguchi Tadashi**

**XXX**

Tadashi spends spring break in Miyagi with Tsukki. He knows Oikawa and Iwaizumi are there too, but since he got to see Tsukki so little over the year, he takes priority. Still, they text a little bit. They are still friends. They’re just trying to remember what that means.

Oikawa seems happy, but Tadashi knows Iwaizumi hasn’t told him yet. He guesses (correctly) that Iwaizumi thinks Oikawa needs time. Tadashi is pretty sure Oikawa is as fine as he says he is, but he doesn’t urge Iwaizumi to say anything because he still can’t make his own confession. He experiences more solidarity with Iwaizumi.

He’s able to enjoy being around Tsukki without wallowing too much over his own feelings, although he definitely, fully, and completely recognizes they are back (or rather, that they never left). The difference is, maybe, that he does think he should do something about them. After all, he managed to survive an entire relationship from beginning to end without it _actually_ ending. It’s kind of empowering, and he has a little more confidence in things working out the way they’re supposed to.

The third to last day of break, Tsukki finally admits he had guessed there were feelings between Oikawa and Iwaizumi. He got a stronger sense from Oikawa, but he isn’t surprised when Tadashi conveys to him what Iwaizumi had conveyed to Tadashi. They don’t talk about it much. Instead, they go to movies, go to a new dinosaur exhibit at the museum, and play volleyball with Hinata, Kageyama, Asahi, Nishinoya, and Tanaka, who all stayed in Miyagi, and some of their kouhai who are still in high school and are all thrilled to see them.

They end up playing until it gets dark in the park, and then they all climb a hill and lie down to look at the stars, brighter here than they are at Tadashi’s school, which is in the city. He missed these stars. Feeling peaceful and at home, he confesses his sexuality to his former teammates. Tsukki is silent beside him. Hinata’s reaction is to tell them that he’s dating Kageyama, who punches him in the gut. Noya, Asahi, and Tanaka are all laughing. Their kouhai are shocked into silence, but apparently not scandalized. He doesn’t know why he didn’t ever tell them sooner.

Feeling competitive, and not wanting to be one-upped by Hinata and Kageyama like _all of high school_ , he tells them he dated Oikawa for most of his first year of university. Kageyama sits up as if he’s been punched, looking horrified, and then Hinata does punch him. Noya, Asahi, and Tanaka are busting up at this point. Noya is slapping Asahi’s leg really hard and Asahi yelps. Tsukki grumbles that everyone should just be quiet and look at the stars.

Tadashi takes out his phone and takes a picture of the sky. You can barely see the stars, but he sends it to Oikawa anyway. He tries to think of a caption, but none comes to mind. He thinks Oikawa will still get the message.

**XXX**

Two weeks into Tadashi’s second year of university, after practice when he’s sweeping the floor, Iwaizumi comes up to him. Oikawa is talking to their other teammates, but keeps glancing over. “I told him,” he says, looking embarrassed.

Tadashi blinks, then splits a huge grin. “And?”

Iwaizumi shrugs, as if to ask what that’s supposed to mean. He bites his lip. “Thanks, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi shakes his head, still smiling big. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, well, you say that, but…thanks anyway.” He looks like he wants to say something else, so Tadashi waits a second, thinking in a tiny corner of his mind more considerate than the part he’s currently using that maybe his enthusiastic reaction is what’s putting Iwaizumi off. “We should hang out sometime. The three of us. Or even just the two of us. I feel like I didn’t get to know you that well last year.”

He nods. “Yeah, that sounds great, Iwaizumi-san.”

“Good.” He starts to turn away, then remembers something and turns back. “You can just call me Iwaizumi.”

Tadashi’s smile widens again, making his face a little sore. “See you later, Iwaizumi.”

They do hang out. Tadashi is a little embarrassed, but Oikawa and Iwaizumi make more of an effort to include him, either with both of them or individually, than he and Oikawa ever made with Iwaizumi. But that’s in the past.

His relationship with both of them gets stronger, and suddenly Tadashi has two close friends instead of the one he’s always relied on.

Iwaizumi is almost easier to get along with than Oikawa, since they both know him and can pick on him (never ill-intentioned, and Oikawa seems to like the attention under his protests). It seems like he’s really nice (as in, not short-tempered and violent) to anyone he doesn’t feel like he has to babysit, which is everyone but Oikawa. They bond over liking soggy fries (actually, Iwaizumi doesn’t mind them, while Tadashi actually enjoys them). Oikawa calls them both crazy and seems to take great pleasure in letting them fight over the ones he deems too squishy for his own personal consumption.

As for Oikawa, he seems to start to trust Tadashi more. Their relationship level isn’t quite as deep as his and Tsukki’s, but it’s definitely deeper. He explains his parents a little, whom he’d never really discussed much, and Tadashi thinks he can understand him a little better. Why he’s so focused on success, and maybe why he doesn’t let people see the parts of him that aren’t perfect.

He talks to Tsukki a lot. He finds he still has a lot to tell him. Mostly about how happy he is. He starts talking more to other people in his classes, to his roommate (the same one from his first year, who had wanted to live with him again). He walks through campus and waves to people he knows. He hangs out with his teammates other than Iwaizumi and Oikawa. They’re still undefeated for all the practice matches they’ve had two months into the year, and everyone is thrilled, including Tadashi; he’s scored more than a few points with his jump float serves as well as spikes facilitated by Oikawa.

Life is good.

There’s one thing that could make it better.

Tadashi knows it’s all been leading up to this. He made a promise to himself back when he broke up to Oikawa that he would do it, but it’s been two months and he’s still making up excuses and imagining scenarios in his head that make his stomach churn a little.

But he sees Oikawa and Iwaizumi together, and they’ve known each other for so long, and finally their relationship is where it’s meant to be. And he thinks, ‘ _Maybe I could have that too._ ’

And yet, he knows the only way he’ll be able to do it is if he sneaks up on himself.

A couple of times, he gets to typing out a text. He gets a paragraph into it before he realizes what he’s doing and hurriedly, but carefully, deletes all evidence, puts his phone on his desk, and drinks a glass of water. He then picks up his phone five times in the next twenty minutes to make sure he didn’t somehow accidentally send it.

It gets ridiculous. He gets so close so many times. He complains about it to Oikawa and Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi says maybe he’s just not ready, to which Oikawa replies, “Shut up Iwa-chan, if we both can do it, so can Yama-chan.”

He’s at their apartment watching alien shows with them when he finally does it. There’s a grainy, black-and-white UFO on the screen, and Oikawa is jerking Iwaizumi’s shirt sleeve, causing him to be swat at, and Tadashi is overcome by a sense of normalcy and comfort. He takes out his phone.

He doesn’t let himself think about it.

He keeps it short. Two sentences, that’s it. He hits send and only then does his heart jump into his throat. He wails, realizing what he’s done, and Oikawa’s attention is suddenly ripped away from the screen and he’s crawled into his lap, shouting, “Yama-chan, you did it! Yama-chan! Calm down, stop yelling!” Iwaizumi grabs his shoulder and gives it a firm shake.

**Tsukishima Kei**

**X**

Kei hears a buzz from the right of his elbow, pauses in the midst of scribbling a note in his notebook.

He sets down his pencil, lazily picking up his phone. It’s from Yamaguchi. Before he unlocks his phone, he reads the first sentence. ‘ _Tsukki…I have something to tell_ ’ The rest is cut off by what the phone can display.

He swipes across the screen, taps to his messages, then to Yamaguchi’s name.

It’s the second sentence that makes his heart stop.

**Author's Note:**

> :)


End file.
